I want my Mommy back

I just got off the phone with the lady who says she is my Mama but that isn't her.  That is a whisper of my mother in a body that used to look like her.  That was a sick complaining old woman who can't remember from minute to minute who is coming with me for Christmas or most days when Christmas is.  That woman was whining about nobody helping her do the housework when everyone does everything for her.  Where has my Mama gone?  Even last year at this time, Mama would apologize and say, "I'm just not myself today."  We could then kind of laugh and I'd repeat what I had said and she would get the idea into her mind and we could go on with a conversation.  In the last year though, she has failed to the point that we can't do that any more and any reference to the fact that she might not be perfectly all right infuriates her.

 She has no concept of time or travel and that makes living across the country quite difficult. Mama doesn't understand why I can't just pack up and come over every time she needs me and then go home again like my brother Dean does.  Dean lives 26 miles away. Poor Dean.  He is hounded daily to come over and do things that people in Russell are perfectly capable of doing.  He does hold his own pretty well and manages to keep it to one or two trips a week.

My son is getting married a few days after Christmas but I dread the entire process.  My mother has become so self-centric that I fear she will be terribly uncomfortable in the crowd of new people.  Even though there will not be many there (about 50), she will need someone by her side at all times.  I won't be able to watch out for her as I usually do.  She is going to get her feelings hurt and will end up withdrawing and lying down. If she could just come back for a bit and follow the proceedings and join in the fun and be Mama.

Everyday I think of things I would like to talk over with my mother.  I have been fortunate to have the kind of relationship that allowed me to talk to her about nearly anything.  When we talk now she still wants to have that sort of intimacy but when she can't even remember that my husband and I are separated some days, it is kind of hard.  I try but I always come away with a crushed heart. The conversations are like talking to someone else in a Mama costume.

So sometimes I just cry. And since this is Christmastime and I do believe in miracles, maybe I ought to ask Santa...."Could I please have my Mommy back?"