I want my Mommy back

I just got off the phone with the lady who says she is my Mama but that isn't her.  That is a whisper of my mother in a body that used to look like her.  That was a sick complaining old woman who can't remember from minute to minute who is coming with me for Christmas or most days when Christmas is.  That woman was whining about nobody helping her do the housework when everyone does everything for her.  Where has my Mama gone?  Even last year at this time, Mama would apologize and say, "I'm just not myself today."  We could then kind of laugh and I'd repeat what I had said and she would get the idea into her mind and we could go on with a conversation.  In the last year though, she has failed to the point that we can't do that any more and any reference to the fact that she might not be perfectly all right infuriates her.

 She has no concept of time or travel and that makes living across the country quite difficult. Mama doesn't understand why I can't just pack up and come over every time she needs me and then go home again like my brother Dean does.  Dean lives 26 miles away. Poor Dean.  He is hounded daily to come over and do things that people in Russell are perfectly capable of doing.  He does hold his own pretty well and manages to keep it to one or two trips a week.

My son is getting married a few days after Christmas but I dread the entire process.  My mother has become so self-centric that I fear she will be terribly uncomfortable in the crowd of new people.  Even though there will not be many there (about 50), she will need someone by her side at all times.  I won't be able to watch out for her as I usually do.  She is going to get her feelings hurt and will end up withdrawing and lying down. If she could just come back for a bit and follow the proceedings and join in the fun and be Mama.

Everyday I think of things I would like to talk over with my mother.  I have been fortunate to have the kind of relationship that allowed me to talk to her about nearly anything.  When we talk now she still wants to have that sort of intimacy but when she can't even remember that my husband and I are separated some days, it is kind of hard.  I try but I always come away with a crushed heart. The conversations are like talking to someone else in a Mama costume.

So sometimes I just cry. And since this is Christmastime and I do believe in miracles, maybe I ought to ask Santa...."Could I please have my Mommy back?"

I have been a bad girl

I have been a bad girl so I am not looking for any presents from Santa.  I haven't been blogging and I haven't felt the least bit guilty.  I have been out there living life and getting through each day as it comes.  There have been some fantastic ones and some really terrible ones but we are all still here.  Well, nearly everyone is.

Elizabeth Edwards has lost her battle with cancer.  She has long been a role model for me in how she has gone on picking up the pieces of her life after each time she has been knocked down.  She was the true power behind the politician and glue that held that family together.  I'm sure she has stayed alive by sheer will for this long.  I know there are those that thought because she was strong willed and may have shown her temper on occasion, that it somehow diminished her life.  In my estimation, it did not.  It made me admire her more.  She gave up everything for John Edwards.  She bought into his dream and all she asked was that he stay true to their family and dream.  He couldn't even do that. My heart breaks for their children with a father like that. (No, I won't talk about the scum sucking, etc. things that I feel about him.) This is a tribute to one of us.  Those of us who stay and try to live the dream until we have it thrown back into our faces just one too many times.

Speaking of which, my son and his lovely fiancée are getting married in a lovely destination wedding on 30 December 2010. I still believe in true love and family.  I just think that it takes work and a lot of outside counseling.  After all my parents have been married for 59 years and they love each other deeply and without reserve. I know there is someone, somewhere like that for me.  I just wish I could find him before I dry up into a prune.

I have been plagued by learning to use my new and improved phone.  I was supposed to be able to blog, write emails, post pictures, post to facebook and twitter and text more easily.  I have so far gotten the texting down and can retrieve emails.  The blogging and other interactive things are beyond me. Maybe after the wedding when I have more time to figure it out. I just feel so stupid that everyone else knows how to do these things and I can't figure it out.

Meeting of ANC tonight so I need to get going.  Last one with the defeated and retiring commissioners.