I really want to talk to my Mama today. I really need to talk to my Mama today. I want to pick up the phone and dial her number and have her answer in her sleepy nap after lunch voice and say, " What is wrong sweetheart?"
So I can say, "Nothing."
And she will say, "No, I hear it in your voice." She could always hear it in my voice.
Then she would always say, "Tell me all about it....but first I have to go potty."
That would make me laugh and suddenly my problems would seem less urgent and by the time she got back to the phone I would be able to talk without crying and we would figure out the solution to anything in the world. But I can't call my Mama any more.
I have her with me now. She is in the china closet in a hand-blown perfume bottle, at least part of her ashes are. I sprayed them with the perfume she always wore, White Linen by Estee Lauder. Sometimes I take the bottle, pull out the stopper and inhale what used to be my mother. The bottle stands in front of a picture of her. I don't normally have personal pictures in my living area but I am comforted having her there watching me eat my breakfast.
It isn't as if my mother died yesterday or even last week or month. She died on 13 March 2014. We had her service on 7 April 2014, the day between my brother Don's 69th birthday and my parents' 63rd wedding anniversary. Although she had been suffering from vascular dementia and diabetes for about 5 years, she was still a vibrant and loving member of our family. She had gradually lost the ability to read, cook, drive, figure, and keep house. The good thing is that my father did such a good job with everything that she thought she was still keeping house. My Papa would do anything for her. Theirs was such a true love that when she would have a potty accident, he would think it was "cute." Her actual death is still too raw to write about. I thought I could but I can't nearly a year later.
So much has happened in that time. My divorce finally came through and although the financial details are still being settled, at least I am free and know where I stand emotionally. I am worth more than being second best, especially after giving up so much to move around all those years as an Army Wife. By the time it was final we had been married 34 years. Even with my mother's death, I still figured the taxes last year. Good wife to the end, eh?
My son has been out of work because of the sequestration and other reason's I don't understand. I worry about him and his marriage and his life and his relationship........you just don't want to know.
I have tried the dating game....as much as you can when your life is in divorce limbo. I have met a couple of nice men and some not so nice men. Actually, if I could combine about 3 of the ones I have met into one man I would be golden. Alas, that is not possible so I am back on eHarmony and I hate, hate, hate it. I pray to God every night for someone I can just talk to and be companionable with. Is that asking too much?
What would you say, Mama? That's just it. I don't know. Until the last time I talked to her, my mother always surprised me with her wit, wisdom, and love. It is like all the love has gone out of the world and I don't know what to do.
