9th anniversary of 9/11

This is the ninth year we have had to remember the awful day that literally changed all of our lives.  It ripped my life apart and threw it in the ash can even though I didn't know it at the time. In addition to our whole way of life being stolen from us by increased security and vague threats, my marriage has been stolen and my son's college experience forever scarred by the loss of friends.  I don't just blame the terrorists who planned and flew those planes that day.  I blame the way our namby pamby country reacted and showed their yellow undies to the world and continue to do so to this day.  They think that by being the biggest bully on the earth, that they will scare the terrorists into staying away from the U.S. No attempt has been made to understand or carry on.  We have just put our heads down and charged forth like an angry bull stung by a wasp on the snout.  We have punished ourselves far more than any terrorists ever could have.  What a sad, sad, commentary on all the loss of life and sacrifice.

You can't always get what you need

What is it that they say about deprived people?  That most of the time they don't know they are deprived until they get the thing they have been deprived of?  I have recently been given back an activity that has been withheld from me for the past five years.  It is a pleasurable activity that makes me feel attractive and young.  It makes me feel things that I had forgotten existed on this earth and now all I want to do is this activity.  All I think about is this activity. I could care less about anything else.  I could care less about anyone else than the ones in my life who can help or facilitate this activity.  I dream about it and I fantasize about it.  When I leave, I come home and wish I will find a purveyor of it in my apartment.

Since I did completely without for five years and practiced it sporadically about five or ten years before that, I feel like I need to make up for wasted time.  After all, at 57, I don't have that much time left to practice this with optimum participants.  Somehow I feel cheated out of all that time when I could have been enjoying myself with the right people. Instead I was miserable and sad...in retrospect that is.  At the time I guess I thought I was fine.  I thought I was just fine and dandy and fulfilled and all the time there was a huge hole inside of me waiting to be filled.  Yearning to be filled. Screaming to be filled.

Maybe that is why in all the old westerns they used to say, "Hold it, Partner...don't drink it all at once. Save some for later."  Maybe this is just the beginning of something wonderful and I need to relax and save some for later.